Adoption vs. IVF

I've been kind of MIA these last few weeks, so for you five readers out there, I do apologize :) I've had a lot on my mind, though. I just haven't been able to come up with a way of putting it all into words. Plus our house is (supposedly) going to be done in less than two weeks and I'm kind of freaking out a bit. Either way, I'm back.

A lot of the things that have been on my mind recently are, you guessed it, adoption and IVF. Or just babies in general. The thing that's awesome though, is as much as it sucks to hear people are pregnant, I don't have a complete breakdown anymore. Weird, isn't it? You'd think I'd be MORE upset knowing that option isn't even available to me. Before I knew what the problem was, at least I didn't know it wasn't going to happen. You'd think ignorance is bliss in this case, but it really isn't. I'm so glad to know what the issue is. And I've finally been able to accept it.

[I also think part of the reason I've been doing so well is because I got rid of facebook so I haven't been finding out every five seconds that someone else is pregnant. Plus it's just been so nice to not have it- really, it's almost a peaceful feeling to not have the chaos of facebook in my life]

Okay, where was I? Yes, adoption and IVF. I've been trying to do research on both subjects, because to be honest, I know nothing about either. I've been reading TONS of adoption blogs and it's been amazing. I love seeing those wonderful people out there writing about their heartache of infertility, disappointment of waiting for a birth mother to put their faith & trust in them, and eventually, their perfect miracle. I've also contacted some people who have tried both fertility treatments and adopted and they have been so incredibly helpful.

This entire process has been so great to learn about everything, yet extremely overwhelming. I am so torn. To help, I've tried to make a list of pros and cons for each option.

IVF (pros) :

• The ability to experience pregnancy. I would love to be able to feel the baby inside me and experience the whole pregnancy firsthand, from start to finish. Although IVF isn't my most ideal way of conceiving a baby, if it meant I would be able to experience the gift of pregnancy, I would gladly accept it.

• Having a baby of our very own. I have absolutely nothing against adoption, I know without a doubt if I were to adopt, I'd love that baby just as much as if I'd given birth to it myself. But I think every woman wants to be able to give birth to their own baby if they can. I'd love my baby to have similar physical features, as well as personality traits, as Chad and myself.

IVF (cons) :

• The cost. It's roughly $16,000. Enough said.

• The physical toll. Just the medication alone is awful. Not only is injected directly into your stomach every day for 2 weeks leading up to ovulation, it makes you sick to your stomach, gain weight, exhausted, etc. I don't want it to sound like it wouldn't be worth it, because oh my goodness, it would be worth it. But what if it doesn't work out?

• The unknown. Right where I left off...what if it doesn't work out? What if I go through all that and my body rejects it? If you know me, you know I like to have a plan. I like things to fall into place exactly as I want them to (which I'm sure is part of the reason Heavenly Father is testing me the way He is!). IVF is pretty much the epitome of unknown. You're going in and relying solely on your faith. So I guess the real question is, do I have enough faith?

Adoption (pros) :

• A baby to call our own. This would be our baby. Even if I don't give birth to the baby myself, I know it will belong to Chad and me.

• Being able to adopt. I've always wanted to adopt a baby. Even before I knew I wouldn't be able to have children. Being blessed with a baby through adoption is a gift I've always longed for. Although I didn't think I would be considering adoption this early in my life, it's always been an interest of mine.

Adoption (cons) :

• The unknown. Once again, the entire process is unknown. You are completely at the mercy of the birth mother. Who knows how long we'll be on the waiting list. What if we're on the list for years? What if, heaven forbid, no one picks us?

• Rejection. What if a birth mother chooses us to place her baby with, and at the last minute she changes her mind? What if she has it narrowed down to us and one other couple and she chooses them? What if we get to know a birth mother from the beginning, watch the baby grow, form a relationship with her and then she cuts us off?

Basically, this whole thing scares me and any input is greatly appreciated. I love hearing from you, really. Have you gone through the IVF process? Have you adopted? Do you know anyone who's experienced either of these options?

Comment. email me. call me. send me a letter (okay that's a little extreme). Anything helps. Being torn in two directions is tough, I tell ya, and every little bit of advice helps.

Hey thanks

Welp, it's November. And November is a month to be extra thankful. So I've decided to name a few things I'm extra thankful for. And since Thanksgiving is one week from today (yahoo!) I think it's only fitting to get started on the process.

So, here we go:

1. My job. Seriously, folks. It's so great. It's been super-duper busy this past week and that's been an amazing blessing. I've been pretty down lately, but while I'm at work, I don't even have time to think about anything other than work. And although a lot of the time I want to pull my hair out because I'm so overwhelmed with stuff to do, it's been such a nice distraction.

[I know it seems corny to take a picture of your office, but I love my little space]

2. Chad. I know I talk mushy about him (a lot), but he's just the greatest. Many people may not know the story of how we met, but it was definitely fate. There were just too many crazy circumstances bringing us together for it not to be. He is definitely my missing piece. He keeps me grounded, he is the most optimistic person I've ever met, he's a little smarty pants, he has more patience than anyone I know, is pretty handy (he even helped put the tar paper on our roof and will be helping with the shingles as well) and has about a million other amazing qualities. Oh, and he's pretty adorable to boot :) I love that I can just hang out with him all the time. He's my best friend. I love that I always have someone to share my time with-- that is quite a blessing.

3. Prayer. As I said before, I've had a rough couple of days. But prayer has definitely gotten me through it. Just like Chad is always there to hang out with me, the Lord is always there to talk to. I know the Lord is there 100% of the time, listening to me, comforting me, and letting me know everything is going to be okay. He's helped me feel so at peace with everything that's been going on. I'm SO grateful for that.

4. Family. I've never felt more support in my entire life than I do right now. My family is amazing. I cry, a lot, and most of the time it's because I'm so overwhelmed by the support I feel from them. They all genuinely care about my well being. They want me to be happy. They want to help in any way they can and that means so much.

[this is obviously an old picture but it's all I had on hand. And I couldn't find one with Chad's family but they're all ah-mazing!]

5. Our house! I love it. It's so cute. It's coming along so quickly! The other day we picked out our paint colors, granite, carpet, hardwood floors, etc. How fun is that? And I'm going to get my red door :) I don't know why but I've always wanted a red door. How lucky am I that I don't have to settle? I get just what I want! We are so blessed.

[taken November 16]

I'm pretty blessed, don't ya think? Life is hard, but all these things make it worth the struggle.

Hurt

At this moment, I'm feel so many emotions I don't even know where to begin.

Anger

Frustration

Confusion

Overwhelmed

Bitterness

and a feeling of hurt, so deep into my core, I didn't even know it existed.

At the beginning of this whole "infertility" experience, I really didn't think anything was wrong. Both Chad and I figured we just needed a little help, a little push to get things going. We kind of assumed we'd go to the fertility specialist and they'd do whatever they needed to do to get us our baby. Never, in a million years, did I ever believe I'd hear the news I did on Friday.

In the days leading up to our appointment, I dreamt about my baby every night. Her soft dark hair, deep green eyes, wiggly little fingers and toes. I would wake up feeling so good, because I'd seen her! I knew it was Heavenly Father letting me know she was coming soon. I just knew it! Those were the most realistic dreams I'd ever had. I could physically feel her...it was undeniable. She was a smaller, but much more beautiful, perfect version of me. I would thank Heavenly Father everyday for giving me that blessing; just to see her. And I knew, I knew she was mine. Heavenly Father was giving me a little glimpse of what was soon to come. What a blessing.

As I look back, I realize that the beautiful little girl I was seeing was what I wanted her to be. This whole time, I was creating these images because I was in pure denial. Deep down, DEEP down, I knew there was a bigger problem. But I didn't want to believe it--I couldn't. I would tell myself, "Heavenly Father knows how badly I want to be a mom. He knows how much I want to be pregnant and feel that little being inside of me. He wouldn't deny me that blessing, He just couldn't". But He can.

On Friday, we had Chad's tests. I won't go into much more detail, but when everything was done, they told us not to expect a call with the results unless they were bad. Eight hours later I received a phone call. "After going over your husbands test, we've concluded your only option is in vitro. If you decide it's something you want to do, please know, it's $16,000 and with these results, you would have a 20% chance of success".

As I hung up the phone, I literally broke down. I cried so hard I couldn't stand. I cried to the point I couldn't breathe. I cried, without question, harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. Why was this happening? What had I done in my life that was so bad I deserved this kind of pain? As I sat there, crying in Chads arms, it all hit me. Everything we'd worked towards was gone. Earlier that day, I firmly believed I was going to be pregnant before the end of the year. And with one 30 second phone call, that dream of mine was gone: I'm not going to be pregnant before the end of the year, I'm not going to be pregnant before the end of next year. I very well may never be pregnant.

So here I am, feeling more confused than I've ever felt. For the longest time, we hated the feeling of the unknown. We tried to get pregnant for 2 years and never understood why it wasn't working. We didn't know what we were doing wrong. So we went to a fertility doctor and for 3 short days, we felt good. We felt at ease, because we knew everything was going to work out. Then Friday came and we were back to that feeling of pure confusion-- except now we were feeling even more confused than when we started. Do we try for adoption and risk being on a waiting list for months, even years? Or do we save our pennies for in vitro, only to have it (most likely) potentially not work out? I honestly don't think I can handle going through the painful process of in vitro and have the results be negative. I don't think my weak spirit could take it. Yet at the same time, if we don't do it, I know I would regret not knowing, because what if it DID work out? There's that small chance it will, and although it's only 20%, it's all I have.

I'm so grateful we know what the problem is, I really am. But it doesn't make it any less painful. Although I'm feeling completely numb, I'm also feeling more hurt than I feel my body can endure.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to start. But I have the Lord on my side and He'll help me get through this. That, I know.

Our lives right now

Lots of things have been happening around here. First of which, OUR HOUSE!

(taken October 21, 2011)

(taken October 24, 2011)

(taken October 26, 2011)

(taken November 2, 2011)

It's kind of way exciting, right? These builders are kicking some serious butt. Our estimated completion date is December 21, 2011- 60 days from when they started. We're so excited, love our builder (he used to be Chad's bishop), and feel really good about our decision to build! We've been getting a lot of people asking us why we feel like building is what we should be doing as opposed to buying. We looked for a while to buy and just never felt right about any of the houses we looked at. There were a few that stood out, and we could see ourselves living in, but we didn't feel 100% sure about it. Then we met with Stan, our builder, about potentially building. We originally were just seeing if he knew of any lots available, but as we got to talking, we both felt so good about building with him. He's been amazing.

We're so excited to be building our dream home right now! Chad's family has been so wonderful. His dad and brother are doing our cabinets for us (they are so talented). They're also helping us, along with our other brother in law, roof our house and do the hardwood floors.

We feel so blessed to have had so much help in making sure we get exactly what we want. We couldn't be more thrilled with how this is all coming together!

Next, our other bit of somewhat exciting news. On Tuesday we had our first appointment with our fertility specialist, Dr. Cristin Slater. First off, she's amazing. All the staff at Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine are so great. We immediately felt good about meeting. We felt so comfortable there and are excited to see where it will take us.

Dr. Slater seemed to think we have a lot of things in our favor. We're both young and healthy and I have good ovaries! Yay! She talked to us about our options including IUI (artificial insemination) and IVF (in vitro fertilization). Although these can be expensive, we're going to do whatever it takes to get ourselves a baby.

She did an ultra sound on me to check out my ovaries and what not and said everything looks great, which is good. Next we have to do another test for Chad and once we get the results back on that we'll have a better idea of where to go from here. She'll put me on Chlomid (an ovulation medication) which should increase our odds as well. All in all, everything seems to look really good. We're so glad we met with her! Like I said before, she's absolutely amazing.

While we were in the office, there were rows and rows of baby pictures- pictures that had been sent in by people who had met with Dr. Slater or another member of the staff. It felt so reassuring to know she's going to do whatever it takes to make this happen for us (even if, as shown in about 50% of the pictures, we get twins--yikes).

We have a lot of exciting changes happening in our lives right now, and although it's a bit overwhelming, we couldn't be more grateful.

Believe

"Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged. Things will work out."

- Gordon B. Hinckley

Sometimes you just need to hear those simple words. And coming from him, they mean that much more... don't you think?

Gift

I was in 8th grade. I had everything going for me. An awesome group of friends, family near by, a crush on a boy I was convinced liked me too, you know, all the excitement junior high had to offer. Life was pretty good. Until my parents dropped a huge bomb on me: dad got a new job in Albany, New York and we were moving. I, to say the least, was shocked. The only reason I knew where Albany was, was because we had to learn the states capitols in 5th grade and for some reason that one stuck. Why would they want to move there? There's no way Albany, New York could be better than Centerville, Utah. NO way.

It took a while for it to sink in that I really was moving there in a few short weeks. I was leaving the best friend a girl could ever ask for (and I mean that wholeheartedly, she's perfect in every stinkin' way). I couldn't leave, I just couldn't. My parents told me they were going out there to get my dad settled and look for a house and I was going to stay with said best friend while they were gone.

It was kind of exciting to have a sleepover with her every day. What teenage girl doesn't love sleep overs? This was going to be pretty cool. And it was! There's no one else I would've rather spent those few weeks with. But something happens when you spend too much time with a friend. You get on each others nerves--just a teensy bit (I still consider her my best friend, by the way, and always will). When I say you get on each others nerves, I mean, you notice little things about that person you hadn't really noticed before. Mostly because you're with them all the time. When she got on my nerves (and I'm sure it wasn't half as much as I got on hers), it was because she was so good at everything and I wasn't. And I really mean that. I couldn't find any real reason to get upset with her so I had to look for reasons. Anyway, my point is, when you're with a friend for an extended period of time, you're going to get on each others nerves- it's inevitable. You're going to need a little break once in a while, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Since I've been married, I've noticed something. I am with Chad...all the time. Every weekend, we're never away from each other. I can't get enough of him. Sure we have our moments here and there where we get on each others nerves, but that's going to happen. The thing is, I want to be with him all the time. We've spent one, maybe two, nights away from each other and it was absolute torture (for me, at least). I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to eat dinner because it wouldn't be with him. It's pretty apparent I'm kind of pathetic without him.

Marriage is pretty awesome. I still have my best friend, who will remain my best friend. And I will continue, throughout my life, to have other friends that mean so much to me. But I have my ultimate best friend by my side 100% of the time. I don't need to take a break from him. He's my companion through thick and thin. There's never a question in my mind we're meant to be together--forever. How cool is that? FOR-EV-ER.

Through the gospel, we're able to be sealed to our companion (and our future children!) for eternity. That's pretty special, don't you think?

I couldn't ask for a better gift.

Our weekend...

Our weekend rocked. It all started Saturday when we purchased this bad boy:

We're building a house (oh, have I not mentioned that?) and we've made our first purchase! This stainless steel Bosch side by side piece of gloriousness. Isn't she a beaut? I kind of love it. Too bad I won't get to use it till December...more on that later.
Then it was time for General Conference. I decided I wanted to start a tradition...last April, we built a fort, coincidentally during conference weekend. So this year, we decided to do it again. And add some more awesomeness. We made cinnamon rolls and orange julius. Can life get any better? I submit that it canNOT.

I didn't take a picture of the actual fort, but trust me, it was just as awesome as six months ago. I think it will be a fun tradition, especially for once we have kids.


We then, obviously, watched conference. And it, also, was awesome. I'm so grateful to be a part of a church with modern day prophets where we can listen to them speak twice a year. How cool is that? It was so nice to be able to feel the spirit so strongly, while sitting in my sweats, in a fort in my living room lying next to my cute hubby. So great.
Once conference was over, we found ourselves lounging around. I was starting to feel lazy and cooped up so I suggested we go take a walk. We went down to the greenbelt, which is really close to where we live. It's so sad that I've lived in Boise for over three years and I've never been to the greenbelt! The whole time I kept saying, "How have we lived this close and never been down here?".



We had a lot of fun just walking and enjoying the beautiful scenery.



Then Chad tried to teach me how to skip rocks. Umm...didn't work out so well. Turns out I'm not a rock skipping kinda gal.





But Chad was pretty impressive.

It was so gorgeous all around us. This place is pretty much in our back yard.

Now we're home and Chad's watching football...
Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Whiner.

Yesterday was one of those days. The kind where all you want to do is mope around and feel sorry for yourself. And then you take a step back and realize you're feeling sorry for yourself, so you get embarrassed for feeling that way. And you cry and cry until you have no more tears left.

I hate those days.

Let me point out, once again, this blog is a journal- I know I've mentioned that before, but really. It's not a place I go to look for pity. I hate pity. Whenever I see people complaining (usually for reasons unbeknownst to me) I've always thought to myself, "These people need to just suck it up. Stop whining and get over it. The world keeps on turning". Funny how those thoughts aren't applicable to myself, huh?

Anyway, as Chad and I were in bed talking about the day, I confessed to him that I was feeling...numb. Sure, I still have faith in the Lord. My testimony of Him and His power has never wavered. But maybe I've kind of been put on the back burner for a bit. I mean I know there are people who have much more serious issues than myself. And that's something I could understand. I certainly don't think I'm more important than anyone else around me. We all have issues, complications, frustrations, what have you. It would be silly of me to expect the Lord to drop everything and focus solely on me, 100%, right? Ha, such a silly girl.

As I prayed, head on my tear-soaked pillow, I realized that the Lord knows everything I'm going through. He knows how much my heart hurts. He wants to help me, really! But I'm allowing Satan to take control. This made me cry even more. Oh, how much that must hurt the Lord- to so badly want me to come to Him, trust in Him, rely on Him. As much as I ache to be a mom, He aches to help me.

It's quite simple really: I yearn for something so badly, the Lord wants to help me, but I still feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Solution? Swallow my pride and have faith in the Lord... believing with every ounce of strength I have that He'll answer my prayers. Because He will.

The Lord has made it known that Chad and I can't do this on our own. So here I am. Not only asking the Lord for help, but you too. Have any advice? I'd like to hear it. If not, that's okay too. But I do have one request: please still be my friend even though I'm a big fat whiner baby.

Three Years...

This cutie and I have been married for three whole years. Can you believe that? I can't. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun :)

Our last two anniversary's we went out of town (our 1 year anniversary we went to Las Vegas, 2nd year we went to San Francisco), so I wasn't sure what our plan was this year. Little did I know, Chad had it all worked out.

It all started when he sent me these GORGEOUS flowers at work. If that's not the best way to surprise your wife, I don't know what is.

[Guys, seriously. Send your wives flowers at work. They'll reward you later, I promise ;)]

Then after work, we headed up to Chad's parents cabin in McCall. I completely forgot to take pictures, but I should have because it is absolutely gorgeous!

We stayed there for the night and got up early the next morning to head over to the Pancake House. There, we got the biggest pancakes on the planet. Seriously, they're enormous. They call them "plate sized pancakes" for a reason...I, of course, didn't take any pictures. But I promise you, we stuffed ourselves silly.

We then headed home to hang out for the rest of the day. Later in the evening, Chad told me we were going somewhere nice for dinner, so I needed to dress up. I got all giddy and excited as we pulled up to Chandlers, a super nice steakhouse in downtown Boise. They even valeted our car! I was totally out of my comfort zone, but we had a blast. We had the nicest, most expensive four course meal ever (as in, more money than we had spent on meals for an entire month...).

After that, he told me we were going to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. I thought, "aww what a cute idea!", plus I love spending the night in hotels. I don't know why, but it's like a little vacation for me! That, and we always get a king-sized bed which is ah-mazing.

As we pulled into the hotel, Chad kept driving through the parking lot. I said, "where are you going, are we parking on the side?". He ignored me and kept driving. Next thing I knew, we were in the parking lot of the Anniversary Inn! Okay, I love that place. Chad's surprised me there before and it was such a blast. I kept saying "no way. NO WAY. CHAD, NO WAY!"

We stayed in the "Treasure Island" suite.

I took some pictures but they're crappy cell phone pictures- here's an idea of what it looks like.

It's set up like a ship that's anchored. The bath tub and shower are on their own little island- the shower head comes out of a coconut from a palm tree. So cool!

We later enjoyed our delicious cheesecake and sparkling apple cider. All in all it was an absolutely perfect anniversary.

Chad really outdid himself this year! I'm so glad I have such an amazing husband. He has a lot to put up with, so I'm so grateful for his patience and understanding! I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather be with.

I truly am the luckiest.

Happiness

Today I've read multiple blogs about people admitting the truth. Admitting they're not perfect. Striving to do better. Filling people in on "what you don't see". As I read these words that were once so deeply hidden in peoples hearts, I can't help but think I should be doing the same thing. Not because I want you all to see I'm not perfect (I'm pretty sure I've already made that pretty clear), but because writing is a release for me. It's something I enjoy. Although blogging is a public "journal" of sorts, it's my journal. It's my outward expression of my darkest inner thoughts and while going through difficult times, I need that release. Although I wouldn't wish these inadequate feelings on anyone, it's nice to know there are others out there who feel the same way I do.

I'm so grateful to know I'm not the only one out there who feels like I'm not perfect. I'm not as spiritual as I'd like to be. I don't read my scriptures every day. I watch TV shows that are far from uplifting. I'm pessimistic. I close myself off from Chad when I'm upset. I'm a terrible example. I don't go to all three hours of church because Relief Society is too hard for me. I'm selfish. I come across as a brat, mostly because it's just easier than reaching out and making new friends. I'm impatient. I say words I shouldn't. I'm proud. I'm stubborn. I'm insecure. There are days when I don't have the strength to pray because it's just too much for me to handle. I get angry with the Lord for not blessing Chad and me with the most sincere requests rather than trusting Him and his plan for us.

As I look back on that lengthy list, I'm certainly humbled. It's difficult too see that, yeah, I'm about as far from perfect as a person could be. But as overwhelming as it is, I know I have my good qualities too. I know I'll be a good mom, whenever that day comes. I'll shower my children with more love than they could possibly imagine. I'll teach them to put their trust in the Lord. I'll teach them that everything works out, even if it's not the way we originally planned; to take that leap of faith and trust that whatever the outcome may be, it'll be okay because the Lord knows what's best for us. I'll teach them to not compare themselves to others, but be happy with who they are and what they've been given. In order for me to be able to teach my children these fundamental qualities, I need to practice and believe them with all that I have.

Because the only person in control of my happiness is me.

Inspiration

"what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-ralph waldo emerson

"we can grow in faith only if we are willing to wait patiently for God's purposes and patterns to unfold in our lives, on His timetable."

robert c. oaks

Update?

Well, it's been a while since I've updated. And more importantly, since I've talked about the issues Chad and I are having in conceiving a baby...

After that doctor's visit a few months back, I had a strong impression to wait. Three month's just wasn't long enough. So Chad and I discussed what we felt would be a good date for us. We decided that if we hadn't gotten pregnant before August 1, 2011, we would take the necessary steps towards fulfilling our ultimate goal of becoming parents. As you know, August 1, 2011 is a little over two weeks away. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant right now, I may or may not be. For now, Chad and I are patiently waiting. Waiting for that long awaited positive pregnancy test, or that dreaded monthly visitor. Either way, we have a goal set; we know where to go from here.

Throughout this process, I've received so much. Specialists phone numbers, referrals, advice, books, and most importantly, comfort. That comfort, I know, comes from your prayers, and for that I am so grateful. I appreciate all your guys' support, comments and understanding more than you know!

Two days ago Chad and I were saying our nightly prayers and it was my turn. I concluded my prayer with our daily request: the knowledge of a pregnancy before August 1st. When I finished, Chad said to me, "Kate, do you really believe you'll be pregnant before then?". I immediately began to cry. I honestly couldn't say I believed I would. My mind was full of so much doubt. As I began to talk to him about my uncertainty, he bluntly asked me, "Where's your faith? Do you not trust that the Lord has the ability to answer our prayer?". Well when you put it like that...of COURSE God could answer our prayers. He can do anything! I have no doubt the Lord wants what's best for us. I know He loves us. When I think about how much I love my unborn children, I think I might burst. God loves us even more than than that- more than we could possibly imagine.

As we talked about my faith in the Lord, Chad recommended we read a book called "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven" by Grant Von Harrison. It's a book about not only faith, but exercising faith. As sad as it is to say, I've never really had to exercise my faith. I've been so blessed throughout my life. Everything has always worked out. My faith has never wavered, mainly because it's never needed to. Sure, I've had my ups and downs, but never have I had to endure something this difficult. Never have I had to get up every morning with a pit in my stomach knowing I'd probably have some kind of breakdown that day.

While reading this book, I've felt closer to the Lord than I've ever felt in my entire life. When Chad and I were having our conversation that night, I had mentioned that I know the Lord knows everything. So maybe He doesn't want to give us this blessing now because I'm not quite ready yet. He knows when it's best for me and I should trust in Him, but I'm so scared He won't answer my prayer yet because He's testing me. Chad responded by saying, "Kate, have you ever thought He might be testing your faith?". At that moment, I couldn't stop my the tears from rolling down my face. It was so simple! All this time, I knew I was being tested. How on EARTH had I not known He was testing my faith? I need to not let any doubt fill my mind. I need to trust in the Lord 100% that He will answer our prayers. And more importantly, I need to trust that if He doesn't answer it right away, that's okay too. As previously stated, He knows everything. He knows what's best. I'm sure one day I'll be able to look back on this, see the Lord's hand in my life, and know why I've had to experience this difficult stage.

Chad and I are working really hard to be better. I, especially, am working on my attitude. My demeanor. My feelings towards others. And most importantly, my relationship with the Lord. I want Him to see that He can put his trust in me in raising one of His blessed children here on this earth.

When I think back to all the prayers the Lord has answered in my life, I am in complete awe. Losing my bikini top, praying to find it, and getting the overwhelming feeling to look in the folded up sheets in the linen closet (yeah the Lord answered my prayer in finding my bikini top). Help in finding a 9-5 job. Guidance in Chad and I finding a place to live. Deciding on whether to continue with school or work full time. Looking for my lost wedding ring, etc. Now I understand those were (in the grand scheme of things) generally small, insignificant prayers, yet He answered them. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that He will answer this one too.

Kidney Stones.

Yeah, I got the stones. And they were what I'd presume death feels like? Yeah, pretty much.

It all started Sunday morning. I woke up with a weird feeling in the lower right side of my back, but to be honest, I just thought it was a gas bubble (TMI? Don't worry, it gets worse) so I didn't worry too much about it. But as the day went on, it got progressively worse. I'd get sharp pains and it hurt so bad to lie on my back. Chad kept asking if we should go to the doctor but I didn't think it was think it was necessary. Then around 5:00pm I was in so much pain I couldn't breathe. And because I couldn't breathe, I started having a panic attack. I finally told Chad I thought we should go to the ER, something definitely wasn't right. As I went to put on some jeans (of course I had no make up on, greasy hair and was in old, nasty sweats), I really thought I was going to pass out. I looked at myself in the mirror and looked almost translucent. I immediately thought I was going to throw up from the pain and I fell to the toilet. I was so shaky, had a fever, chills and virtually no strength. I just lied on the ground waiting for Chad to get ready. I was so scared about driving to the hospital because it was a good 15 minutes away and I really didn't think I'd make it. At the time, I thought it was appendicitis and I prayed the whole way my appendix didn't burst! I was curled in a ball holding on to Chad's seat belt/hand the entire time. Oh, and we hit every red light- I'm not even kidding. It was hands down the worst, most painful experience of my life!

When we finally made it to the hospital we had to check in, get my insurance stuff on file, etc. Luckily it was a slow night so I got right in once we got everything figured out.

When I got in to see the doctor I was feeling a bit better so I was able to stay calm as I explained what was going on. He knew right away it was kidney stones but he wanted to take an x-ray to see how big they were and where they were located. He said a lot of the time they don't show up on x-rays but he wanted to check to get a better idea. Well they saw it! I wish I had gotten a picture of the x-ray, but he told me it was 2mm big. Anything over 4 mm isn't big enough to pass and has to be surgically removed. Bummer. Is it bad I would've rather had it surgically removed than pass it? I was so scared because all he said was "it's been said that it's more painful than childbirth", or "the pain you'll experience is more painful than childbirth" "CHILDBIRTH, CHILDBIRTH, CHILDBIRTH!!!". Okay! I get it! When he said he'd give me stuff for nausea I said, "Wait, am I going to throw up?" and his response? "Childbirth, Kate." Well that's comforting. What an exciting experience I had to look forward to! They gave me a shot of pain killers in my hip and two other pills of stuff to widen my urethra (yum) and help with the nausea so at the time, I was feeling great! I couldn't imagine it being as bad as he had described, and luckily it wasn't. He gave me a prescription for three drugs, Dr.'s orders to stay home and rest, and a strainer to pee into. Umm, WINNING! Finally after two hours, we were on our merry way.

It took another hour before we were able to go home because we had to pick up my prescriptions and there was only one pharmacy open at 8:00 on a Sunday night so it was busy and full of unhappy, anxious people.

I had to pee so I took my lovely strainer and did my bidness. And what did I receive? Nothin but pain.A few hours later, I did the same thing and look what I found!

See that little orange dot? Isn't it precious? No, it's not. It's disgusting. But I'm keeping that bad boy. You betcha.

Lessons learned:
When something doesn't feel right, go to the Doctor. Don't wait.

and more importantly, drink more water, Kate!