Sometimes Life is Just Plain Hard...

This last week has been a difficult one for me. The Lord has been testing Chad and I, that's for sure. I haven't ever talked about this on here or anywhere, really. Chad and I have been trying to have a baby for the last 18 months or so. Now keep in mind, when I say "trying" I mean we haven't been stopping pregnancy. For a while, we just thought, "okay, if I'm not on birth control, we can just let it happen when it happens". Little did we know it wouldn't happen that easily...

Month after month, no baby. Finally after about 14 months I decided I'd go to my doctor, just for some advice. I figured it'd be a casual visit, she'd say, "Oh, this is totally normal! Sometimes it just takes some people longer than others. You have no reason to worry". No big deal. I'd be in and out and on my way. Well, that didn't go as planned. She was very concerned. She did some blood tests and they came back normal. Her Dr.'s Orders were to read a book, buy some ovulation sticks and try to get pregnant in the next three months. If I didn't get pregnant, she wanted me to come back and she'd refer both Chad and me to a fertility specialist. A fertility specialist?? WHAT? That is the last response I wanted to hear. I had so many questions. I was upset. I was confused. I was a mess. I hadn't gotten pregnant in 14 months, what good was another three? I wanted her to give me some magic pill that would make me pregnant then and there. How could she tell me to just keep doing what I'm doing? How could I just keep living my life with the thought that I may never be able to have children?

Needless to say, these last 18 months have been difficult. Putting on a happy face and acting like it's no big deal? Well that's been a challenge in and of itself. Being surrounded by people announcing their pregnancies, and looking at pictures of those very people's babies 9 months later has killed me. Hearing people say, "Well we just decided to have a baby and the next month it happened!" made me want to cry then and there. Or "Well, it was an accident...we're not sure how to handle the news" made me feel sick to my stomach. Then there were the people who would complain about their pregnancies saying, "I'm NEVER getting pregnant again! This is the worst. I don't know why people get pregnant". Hearing this made me want to SCREAM at them. God is BLESSING them with a child. He is giving them the chance to be parents. How DARE they complain? I felt like these people were mocking me. They are so lucky to be having a child and they're complaining? How selfish could they be? I felt like God didn't understand that He was giving these babies to the wrong people. They weren't ready. I was. Did he forget about me? Were my prayers getting lost somewhere and He just needed to find them? Why were these people being blessed with something they weren't even grown up enough to take on?

The other day I had a revelation. All this time I'd been thinking how selfish these other people are, little did I know I was the most selfish of them all. Every time I hear someone is having a baby, I get that twinge; that selfishness of my own creeping through. The thought that God forgot about me again. But what makes me more deserving of a child? I've realized that what is the right time for them might not be the right time for me. How did it take me so long to figure this out?

I'd just like to say that I know God hears our prayers, He doesn't forget us. I know He's just waiting for the right time. Chad and I must just need some time to prepare and we're going to do whatever it takes to start a family.

Congratulations to all those out there who are expecting. I don't hate you, I promise.

Guess what we bought...

Chad and I finally got Guitar Hero! We've been playing a little too much...but it's been so fun! Chad got a gift card to Best Buy from my brother for Christmas and we decided to get a video game we can both enjoy. I'm awesome, but Chad is starting to get better.
I'm pretty sure he practices when I'm not home...

(I had just been lying down so it looks like I have a bald spot. I don't though, promise)We're pretty rad.

Love Him

As I mentioned in the last post, I've been putting in some overtime hours which includes Saturdays. Yes, Saturdays. EW. I don't have a key to the building, so I'm at the mercy of the other two girls that are also putting in overtime hours. They have kids, so they like going in early on Saturday mornings so they can have the rest of the day to get things done. They like to be at work between 4:00am and 5:00am. Yeah, it's insane. So last Saturday, I went to work and got home around 8:30am. Chad was still sleeping so I tip toed into the bedroom and slowly tried to get into bed without waking him up. When I lifted up the covers, Chad put his arm out, I rested my head on his shoulder and he kissed my forehead. Nothing needed to be said. At that moment, I felt so much love for that boy. Being wrapped up in his arms is the greatest feeling in the world.

I am so lucky.

New Obsession

So lately, I've been putting in some overtime at work which involves me getting up at 5:30am everyday to be at work by 6:45ish. It's been rough, to say the least. I am definitely not a morning person, so it's been a real adjustment for me. I'll be fine until around 1:30pm or so...then it hits me. I'm exhausted. I think, "I really can't do this", or "The extra $350 on my paychecks is not even near worth getting up an hour earlier", or "Quitting my job and getting unemployment would be a better option than this". It's really pathetic how important sleep is to me, actually. Then I remember this:

Vanilla Chai Tea.

It saves me. Once I remember it, my day seems to get so much better! Again, pathetic. I don't care though, it works. That's all I need.

Lately I've been super sick with Laryngitis and sound like a 12 year old boy going through puberty. My throat hurts constantly. All I want to do is snuggle up in a huge blanket and watch old movies. Even THINKING of getting out of bed makes me want to throw up. But once I get my Vanilla Chai? Well, it helps ease the pain.