Monday, January 31, 2011

Sometimes Life is Just Plain Hard...

This last week has been a difficult one for me. The Lord has been testing Chad and I, that's for sure. I haven't ever talked about this on here or anywhere, really. Chad and I have been trying to have a baby for the last 18 months or so. Now keep in mind, when I say "trying" I mean we haven't been stopping pregnancy. For a while, we just thought, "okay, if I'm not on birth control, we can just let it happen when it happens". Little did we know it wouldn't happen that easily...
Month after month, no baby. Finally after about 14 months I decided I'd go to my doctor, just for some advice. I figured it'd be a casual visit, she'd say, "Oh, this is totally normal! Sometimes it just takes some people longer than others. You have no reason to worry". No big deal. I'd be in and out and on my way. Well, that didn't go as planned. She was very concerned. She did some blood tests and they came back normal. Her Dr.'s Orders were to read a book, buy some ovulation sticks and try to get pregnant in the next three months. If I didn't get pregnant, she wanted me to come back and she'd refer both Chad and me to a fertility specialist. A fertility specialist?? WHAT? That is the last response I wanted to hear. I had so many questions. I was upset. I was confused. I was a mess. I hadn't gotten pregnant in 14 months, what good was another three? I wanted her to give me some magic pill that would make me pregnant then and there. How could she tell me to just keep doing what I'm doing? How could I just keep living my life with the thought that I may never be able to have children?
Needless to say, these last 18 months have been difficult. Putting on a happy face and acting like it's no big deal? Well that's been a challenge in and of itself. Being surrounded by people announcing their pregnancies, and looking at pictures of those very people's babies 9 months later has killed me. Hearing people say, "Well we just decided to have a baby and the next month it happened!" made me want to cry then and there. Or "Well, it was an accident...we're not sure how to handle the news" made me feel sick to my stomach. Then there were the people who would complain about their pregnancies saying, "I'm NEVER getting pregnant again! This is the worst. I don't know why people get pregnant". Hearing this made me want to SCREAM at them. God is BLESSING them with a child. He is giving them the chance to be parents. How DARE they complain? I felt like these people were mocking me. They are so lucky to be having a child and they're complaining? How selfish could they be? I felt like God didn't understand that He was giving these babies to the wrong people. They weren't ready. I was. Did he forget about me? Were my prayers getting lost somewhere and He just needed to find them? Why were these people being blessed with something they weren't even grown up enough to take on?
The other day I had a revelation. All this time I'd been thinking how selfish these other people are, little did I know I was the most selfish of them all. Every time I hear someone is having a baby, I get that twinge; that selfishness of my own creeping through. The thought that God forgot about me again. But what makes me more deserving of a child? I've realized that what is the right time for them might not be the right time for me. How did it take me so long to figure this out?
I'd just like to say that I know God hears our prayers, He doesn't forget us. I know He's just waiting for the right time. Chad and I must just need some time to prepare and we're going to do whatever it takes to start a family.
Congratulations to all those out there who are expecting. I don't hate you, I promise.


  1. This made me want to cry. You are being so brave and good! I'm sorry this has been so hard - hopefully it will make it more special and beautiful when it is your time, and bring you closer together as a couple. You are a great example.

  2. And sorry I made you want to cry...that wasn't my intention!

  3. I almost cried reading this as well. Kate I totally feel your pain. Jeremy and I have been trying pretty much the entire time we have been married to have a baby with no luck. Last July I found out I was pregnant..and we were absolutely thrilled. We told all of our family and friends immediately only to find out that a week later I miscarried. It was so painful. Pretty much the worst time of my life. I was so emotionally drained. Every time I heard another one of my friends were pregnant I wanted to die. I didn't want to see their belly pictures or hear about anything concerning their babies. How awful is that? I should be HAPPY for them, but I just couldn't. It's taken a while, but I have somehow come to terms with it. I know that there isn't anything physically wrong with me, so I know it's just not the right time. I never ever thought I would have this problem so it has really been something I've had a hard time dealing with as i'm sure you understand as well. I find it comforting sometimes to know that you aren't the only one out there who feels like this, even if you wouldn't wish this problem on anyone else. I hope everything works out for the best for you guys. And I know that when the time comes for you, you'll be the best Mom ever.

  4. Thanks so much, Maddie. When I saw you had miscarried, my heart ached for you. I can't imagine that kind of pain! I'm glad there's someone else out there who has somewhat of an idea of what I'm going through! You'll be an amazing mom as well. It'll be such an awesome day when we become mommies!

  5. aw now I feel bad for every time I complained about being pregnant :( but i think you're right. God knows whats best for us even if we don't. We were not expecting, trying, or even wanting babies when I got pregnant with Fae. I think that can be super hard as well. Honestly for the longest time I would deny it, and just cry because I didn't feel I was ready. Bringing a baby into the world is so scary.

    But good luck, and it WILL happen when the time is right, so don't be discouraged!!

  6. Don't feel bad at all, Erica! I know there are always two sides, and to be on the other side not feeling prepared would be very difficult as well. But look at how cute little Fae is! I'm sure you can't imagine life without her now. Hopefully that will be Chad and me someday too!

  7. You have great friends Kate! Glad you are doing good. Love you and like Erica said it WILL happen.
    Love mom