Hey thanks

Welp, it's November. And November is a month to be extra thankful. So I've decided to name a few things I'm extra thankful for. And since Thanksgiving is one week from today (yahoo!) I think it's only fitting to get started on the process.

So, here we go:

1. My job. Seriously, folks. It's so great. It's been super-duper busy this past week and that's been an amazing blessing. I've been pretty down lately, but while I'm at work, I don't even have time to think about anything other than work. And although a lot of the time I want to pull my hair out because I'm so overwhelmed with stuff to do, it's been such a nice distraction.

[I know it seems corny to take a picture of your office, but I love my little space]

2. Chad. I know I talk mushy about him (a lot), but he's just the greatest. Many people may not know the story of how we met, but it was definitely fate. There were just too many crazy circumstances bringing us together for it not to be. He is definitely my missing piece. He keeps me grounded, he is the most optimistic person I've ever met, he's a little smarty pants, he has more patience than anyone I know, is pretty handy (he even helped put the tar paper on our roof and will be helping with the shingles as well) and has about a million other amazing qualities. Oh, and he's pretty adorable to boot :) I love that I can just hang out with him all the time. He's my best friend. I love that I always have someone to share my time with-- that is quite a blessing.

3. Prayer. As I said before, I've had a rough couple of days. But prayer has definitely gotten me through it. Just like Chad is always there to hang out with me, the Lord is always there to talk to. I know the Lord is there 100% of the time, listening to me, comforting me, and letting me know everything is going to be okay. He's helped me feel so at peace with everything that's been going on. I'm SO grateful for that.

4. Family. I've never felt more support in my entire life than I do right now. My family is amazing. I cry, a lot, and most of the time it's because I'm so overwhelmed by the support I feel from them. They all genuinely care about my well being. They want me to be happy. They want to help in any way they can and that means so much.

[this is obviously an old picture but it's all I had on hand. And I couldn't find one with Chad's family but they're all ah-mazing!]

5. Our house! I love it. It's so cute. It's coming along so quickly! The other day we picked out our paint colors, granite, carpet, hardwood floors, etc. How fun is that? And I'm going to get my red door :) I don't know why but I've always wanted a red door. How lucky am I that I don't have to settle? I get just what I want! We are so blessed.

[taken November 16]

I'm pretty blessed, don't ya think? Life is hard, but all these things make it worth the struggle.

Hurt

At this moment, I'm feel so many emotions I don't even know where to begin.

Anger

Frustration

Confusion

Overwhelmed

Bitterness

and a feeling of hurt, so deep into my core, I didn't even know it existed.

At the beginning of this whole "infertility" experience, I really didn't think anything was wrong. Both Chad and I figured we just needed a little help, a little push to get things going. We kind of assumed we'd go to the fertility specialist and they'd do whatever they needed to do to get us our baby. Never, in a million years, did I ever believe I'd hear the news I did on Friday.

In the days leading up to our appointment, I dreamt about my baby every night. Her soft dark hair, deep green eyes, wiggly little fingers and toes. I would wake up feeling so good, because I'd seen her! I knew it was Heavenly Father letting me know she was coming soon. I just knew it! Those were the most realistic dreams I'd ever had. I could physically feel her...it was undeniable. She was a smaller, but much more beautiful, perfect version of me. I would thank Heavenly Father everyday for giving me that blessing; just to see her. And I knew, I knew she was mine. Heavenly Father was giving me a little glimpse of what was soon to come. What a blessing.

As I look back, I realize that the beautiful little girl I was seeing was what I wanted her to be. This whole time, I was creating these images because I was in pure denial. Deep down, DEEP down, I knew there was a bigger problem. But I didn't want to believe it--I couldn't. I would tell myself, "Heavenly Father knows how badly I want to be a mom. He knows how much I want to be pregnant and feel that little being inside of me. He wouldn't deny me that blessing, He just couldn't". But He can.

On Friday, we had Chad's tests. I won't go into much more detail, but when everything was done, they told us not to expect a call with the results unless they were bad. Eight hours later I received a phone call. "After going over your husbands test, we've concluded your only option is in vitro. If you decide it's something you want to do, please know, it's $16,000 and with these results, you would have a 20% chance of success".

As I hung up the phone, I literally broke down. I cried so hard I couldn't stand. I cried to the point I couldn't breathe. I cried, without question, harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. Why was this happening? What had I done in my life that was so bad I deserved this kind of pain? As I sat there, crying in Chads arms, it all hit me. Everything we'd worked towards was gone. Earlier that day, I firmly believed I was going to be pregnant before the end of the year. And with one 30 second phone call, that dream of mine was gone: I'm not going to be pregnant before the end of the year, I'm not going to be pregnant before the end of next year. I very well may never be pregnant.

So here I am, feeling more confused than I've ever felt. For the longest time, we hated the feeling of the unknown. We tried to get pregnant for 2 years and never understood why it wasn't working. We didn't know what we were doing wrong. So we went to a fertility doctor and for 3 short days, we felt good. We felt at ease, because we knew everything was going to work out. Then Friday came and we were back to that feeling of pure confusion-- except now we were feeling even more confused than when we started. Do we try for adoption and risk being on a waiting list for months, even years? Or do we save our pennies for in vitro, only to have it (most likely) potentially not work out? I honestly don't think I can handle going through the painful process of in vitro and have the results be negative. I don't think my weak spirit could take it. Yet at the same time, if we don't do it, I know I would regret not knowing, because what if it DID work out? There's that small chance it will, and although it's only 20%, it's all I have.

I'm so grateful we know what the problem is, I really am. But it doesn't make it any less painful. Although I'm feeling completely numb, I'm also feeling more hurt than I feel my body can endure.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to start. But I have the Lord on my side and He'll help me get through this. That, I know.

Our lives right now

Lots of things have been happening around here. First of which, OUR HOUSE!

(taken October 21, 2011)

(taken October 24, 2011)

(taken October 26, 2011)

(taken November 2, 2011)

It's kind of way exciting, right? These builders are kicking some serious butt. Our estimated completion date is December 21, 2011- 60 days from when they started. We're so excited, love our builder (he used to be Chad's bishop), and feel really good about our decision to build! We've been getting a lot of people asking us why we feel like building is what we should be doing as opposed to buying. We looked for a while to buy and just never felt right about any of the houses we looked at. There were a few that stood out, and we could see ourselves living in, but we didn't feel 100% sure about it. Then we met with Stan, our builder, about potentially building. We originally were just seeing if he knew of any lots available, but as we got to talking, we both felt so good about building with him. He's been amazing.

We're so excited to be building our dream home right now! Chad's family has been so wonderful. His dad and brother are doing our cabinets for us (they are so talented). They're also helping us, along with our other brother in law, roof our house and do the hardwood floors.

We feel so blessed to have had so much help in making sure we get exactly what we want. We couldn't be more thrilled with how this is all coming together!

Next, our other bit of somewhat exciting news. On Tuesday we had our first appointment with our fertility specialist, Dr. Cristin Slater. First off, she's amazing. All the staff at Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine are so great. We immediately felt good about meeting. We felt so comfortable there and are excited to see where it will take us.

Dr. Slater seemed to think we have a lot of things in our favor. We're both young and healthy and I have good ovaries! Yay! She talked to us about our options including IUI (artificial insemination) and IVF (in vitro fertilization). Although these can be expensive, we're going to do whatever it takes to get ourselves a baby.

She did an ultra sound on me to check out my ovaries and what not and said everything looks great, which is good. Next we have to do another test for Chad and once we get the results back on that we'll have a better idea of where to go from here. She'll put me on Chlomid (an ovulation medication) which should increase our odds as well. All in all, everything seems to look really good. We're so glad we met with her! Like I said before, she's absolutely amazing.

While we were in the office, there were rows and rows of baby pictures- pictures that had been sent in by people who had met with Dr. Slater or another member of the staff. It felt so reassuring to know she's going to do whatever it takes to make this happen for us (even if, as shown in about 50% of the pictures, we get twins--yikes).

We have a lot of exciting changes happening in our lives right now, and although it's a bit overwhelming, we couldn't be more grateful.