Well, it's been a while since I've updated. And more importantly, since I've talked about the issues Chad and I are having in conceiving a baby...
After
that doctor's visit a few months back, I had a strong impression to wait. Three month's just wasn't long enough. So Chad and I discussed what we felt would be a good date for us. We decided that if we hadn't gotten pregnant before August 1, 2011, we would take the necessary steps towards fulfilling our ultimate goal of becoming parents. As you know, August 1, 2011 is a little over two weeks away. I'm not sure if I'm pregnant right now, I may or may not be. For now, Chad and I are patiently waiting. Waiting for that long awaited
positive pregnancy test, or that dreaded monthly visitor. Either way, we have a goal set; we know where to go from here.
Throughout this process, I've received so much. Specialists phone numbers, referrals, advice, books, and most importantly, comfort. That comfort, I know, comes from your prayers, and for that I am so grateful. I appreciate all your guys' support, comments and understanding more than you know!
Two days ago Chad and I were saying our nightly prayers and it was my turn. I concluded my prayer with our daily request: the knowledge of a pregnancy before August 1st. When I finished, Chad said to me, "Kate, do you really believe you'll be pregnant before then?". I immediately began to cry. I honestly couldn't say I believed I would. My mind was full of so much doubt. As I began to talk to him about my uncertainty, he bluntly asked me, "Where's your faith? Do you not trust that the Lord has the ability to answer our prayer?". Well when you put it like that...of COURSE God could answer our prayers. He can do anything! I have no doubt the Lord wants what's best for us. I know He loves us. When I think about how much I love my unborn children, I think I might burst. God loves us even more than than that- more than we could possibly imagine.
As we talked about my faith in the Lord, Chad recommended we read a book called "Drawing on the Powers of Heaven" by Grant Von Harrison. It's a book about not only faith, but exercising faith. As sad as it is to say, I've never really had to exercise my faith. I've been so blessed throughout my life. Everything has always worked out. My faith has never wavered, mainly because it's never needed to. Sure, I've had my ups and downs, but never have I had to endure something this difficult. Never have I had to get up every morning with a pit in my stomach knowing I'd probably have some kind of breakdown that day.
While reading this book, I've felt closer to the Lord than I've ever felt in my entire life. When Chad and I were having our conversation that night, I had mentioned that I know the Lord knows everything. So maybe He doesn't want to give us this blessing now because I'm not quite ready yet. He knows when it's best for me and I should trust in Him, but I'm so scared He won't answer my prayer yet because He's testing me. Chad responded by saying, "Kate, have you ever thought He might be testing your faith?". At that moment, I couldn't stop my the tears from rolling down my face. It was so simple! All this time, I knew I was being tested. How on EARTH had I not known He was testing my faith? I need to not let any doubt fill my mind. I need to trust in the Lord 100% that He will answer our prayers. And more importantly, I need to trust that if He doesn't answer it right away, that's okay too. As previously stated, He knows everything. He knows what's best. I'm sure one day I'll be able to look back on this, see the Lord's hand in my life, and know why I've had to experience this difficult stage.
Chad and I are working really hard to be better. I, especially, am working on my attitude. My demeanor. My feelings towards others. And most importantly, my relationship with the Lord. I want Him to see that He can put his trust in me in raising one of His blessed children here on this earth.
When I think back to all the prayers the Lord has answered in my life, I am in complete awe. Losing my bikini top, praying to find it, and getting the overwhelming feeling to look in the folded up sheets in the linen closet (yeah the Lord answered my prayer in finding my bikini top). Help in finding a 9-5 job. Guidance in Chad and I finding a place to live. Deciding on whether to continue with school or work full time. Looking for my lost wedding ring, etc. Now I understand those were (in the grand scheme of things) generally small, insignificant prayers, yet He answered them. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that He will answer this one too.
