Hurt

At this moment, I'm feel so many emotions I don't even know where to begin.

Anger

Frustration

Confusion

Overwhelmed

Bitterness

and a feeling of hurt, so deep into my core, I didn't even know it existed.

At the beginning of this whole "infertility" experience, I really didn't think anything was wrong. Both Chad and I figured we just needed a little help, a little push to get things going. We kind of assumed we'd go to the fertility specialist and they'd do whatever they needed to do to get us our baby. Never, in a million years, did I ever believe I'd hear the news I did on Friday.

In the days leading up to our appointment, I dreamt about my baby every night. Her soft dark hair, deep green eyes, wiggly little fingers and toes. I would wake up feeling so good, because I'd seen her! I knew it was Heavenly Father letting me know she was coming soon. I just knew it! Those were the most realistic dreams I'd ever had. I could physically feel her...it was undeniable. She was a smaller, but much more beautiful, perfect version of me. I would thank Heavenly Father everyday for giving me that blessing; just to see her. And I knew, I knew she was mine. Heavenly Father was giving me a little glimpse of what was soon to come. What a blessing.

As I look back, I realize that the beautiful little girl I was seeing was what I wanted her to be. This whole time, I was creating these images because I was in pure denial. Deep down, DEEP down, I knew there was a bigger problem. But I didn't want to believe it--I couldn't. I would tell myself, "Heavenly Father knows how badly I want to be a mom. He knows how much I want to be pregnant and feel that little being inside of me. He wouldn't deny me that blessing, He just couldn't". But He can.

On Friday, we had Chad's tests. I won't go into much more detail, but when everything was done, they told us not to expect a call with the results unless they were bad. Eight hours later I received a phone call. "After going over your husbands test, we've concluded your only option is in vitro. If you decide it's something you want to do, please know, it's $16,000 and with these results, you would have a 20% chance of success".

As I hung up the phone, I literally broke down. I cried so hard I couldn't stand. I cried to the point I couldn't breathe. I cried, without question, harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. Why was this happening? What had I done in my life that was so bad I deserved this kind of pain? As I sat there, crying in Chads arms, it all hit me. Everything we'd worked towards was gone. Earlier that day, I firmly believed I was going to be pregnant before the end of the year. And with one 30 second phone call, that dream of mine was gone: I'm not going to be pregnant before the end of the year, I'm not going to be pregnant before the end of next year. I very well may never be pregnant.

So here I am, feeling more confused than I've ever felt. For the longest time, we hated the feeling of the unknown. We tried to get pregnant for 2 years and never understood why it wasn't working. We didn't know what we were doing wrong. So we went to a fertility doctor and for 3 short days, we felt good. We felt at ease, because we knew everything was going to work out. Then Friday came and we were back to that feeling of pure confusion-- except now we were feeling even more confused than when we started. Do we try for adoption and risk being on a waiting list for months, even years? Or do we save our pennies for in vitro, only to have it (most likely) potentially not work out? I honestly don't think I can handle going through the painful process of in vitro and have the results be negative. I don't think my weak spirit could take it. Yet at the same time, if we don't do it, I know I would regret not knowing, because what if it DID work out? There's that small chance it will, and although it's only 20%, it's all I have.

I'm so grateful we know what the problem is, I really am. But it doesn't make it any less painful. Although I'm feeling completely numb, I'm also feeling more hurt than I feel my body can endure.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to start. But I have the Lord on my side and He'll help me get through this. That, I know.