Whiner.

Yesterday was one of those days. The kind where all you want to do is mope around and feel sorry for yourself. And then you take a step back and realize you're feeling sorry for yourself, so you get embarrassed for feeling that way. And you cry and cry until you have no more tears left.

I hate those days.

Let me point out, once again, this blog is a journal- I know I've mentioned that before, but really. It's not a place I go to look for pity. I hate pity. Whenever I see people complaining (usually for reasons unbeknownst to me) I've always thought to myself, "These people need to just suck it up. Stop whining and get over it. The world keeps on turning". Funny how those thoughts aren't applicable to myself, huh?

Anyway, as Chad and I were in bed talking about the day, I confessed to him that I was feeling...numb. Sure, I still have faith in the Lord. My testimony of Him and His power has never wavered. But maybe I've kind of been put on the back burner for a bit. I mean I know there are people who have much more serious issues than myself. And that's something I could understand. I certainly don't think I'm more important than anyone else around me. We all have issues, complications, frustrations, what have you. It would be silly of me to expect the Lord to drop everything and focus solely on me, 100%, right? Ha, such a silly girl.

As I prayed, head on my tear-soaked pillow, I realized that the Lord knows everything I'm going through. He knows how much my heart hurts. He wants to help me, really! But I'm allowing Satan to take control. This made me cry even more. Oh, how much that must hurt the Lord- to so badly want me to come to Him, trust in Him, rely on Him. As much as I ache to be a mom, He aches to help me.

It's quite simple really: I yearn for something so badly, the Lord wants to help me, but I still feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Solution? Swallow my pride and have faith in the Lord... believing with every ounce of strength I have that He'll answer my prayers. Because He will.

The Lord has made it known that Chad and I can't do this on our own. So here I am. Not only asking the Lord for help, but you too. Have any advice? I'd like to hear it. If not, that's okay too. But I do have one request: please still be my friend even though I'm a big fat whiner baby.

Three Years...

This cutie and I have been married for three whole years. Can you believe that? I can't. I guess time really does fly when you're having fun :)

Our last two anniversary's we went out of town (our 1 year anniversary we went to Las Vegas, 2nd year we went to San Francisco), so I wasn't sure what our plan was this year. Little did I know, Chad had it all worked out.

It all started when he sent me these GORGEOUS flowers at work. If that's not the best way to surprise your wife, I don't know what is.

[Guys, seriously. Send your wives flowers at work. They'll reward you later, I promise ;)]

Then after work, we headed up to Chad's parents cabin in McCall. I completely forgot to take pictures, but I should have because it is absolutely gorgeous!

We stayed there for the night and got up early the next morning to head over to the Pancake House. There, we got the biggest pancakes on the planet. Seriously, they're enormous. They call them "plate sized pancakes" for a reason...I, of course, didn't take any pictures. But I promise you, we stuffed ourselves silly.

We then headed home to hang out for the rest of the day. Later in the evening, Chad told me we were going somewhere nice for dinner, so I needed to dress up. I got all giddy and excited as we pulled up to Chandlers, a super nice steakhouse in downtown Boise. They even valeted our car! I was totally out of my comfort zone, but we had a blast. We had the nicest, most expensive four course meal ever (as in, more money than we had spent on meals for an entire month...).

After that, he told me we were going to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. I thought, "aww what a cute idea!", plus I love spending the night in hotels. I don't know why, but it's like a little vacation for me! That, and we always get a king-sized bed which is ah-mazing.

As we pulled into the hotel, Chad kept driving through the parking lot. I said, "where are you going, are we parking on the side?". He ignored me and kept driving. Next thing I knew, we were in the parking lot of the Anniversary Inn! Okay, I love that place. Chad's surprised me there before and it was such a blast. I kept saying "no way. NO WAY. CHAD, NO WAY!"

We stayed in the "Treasure Island" suite.

I took some pictures but they're crappy cell phone pictures- here's an idea of what it looks like.

It's set up like a ship that's anchored. The bath tub and shower are on their own little island- the shower head comes out of a coconut from a palm tree. So cool!

We later enjoyed our delicious cheesecake and sparkling apple cider. All in all it was an absolutely perfect anniversary.

Chad really outdid himself this year! I'm so glad I have such an amazing husband. He has a lot to put up with, so I'm so grateful for his patience and understanding! I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather be with.

I truly am the luckiest.

Happiness

Today I've read multiple blogs about people admitting the truth. Admitting they're not perfect. Striving to do better. Filling people in on "what you don't see". As I read these words that were once so deeply hidden in peoples hearts, I can't help but think I should be doing the same thing. Not because I want you all to see I'm not perfect (I'm pretty sure I've already made that pretty clear), but because writing is a release for me. It's something I enjoy. Although blogging is a public "journal" of sorts, it's my journal. It's my outward expression of my darkest inner thoughts and while going through difficult times, I need that release. Although I wouldn't wish these inadequate feelings on anyone, it's nice to know there are others out there who feel the same way I do.

I'm so grateful to know I'm not the only one out there who feels like I'm not perfect. I'm not as spiritual as I'd like to be. I don't read my scriptures every day. I watch TV shows that are far from uplifting. I'm pessimistic. I close myself off from Chad when I'm upset. I'm a terrible example. I don't go to all three hours of church because Relief Society is too hard for me. I'm selfish. I come across as a brat, mostly because it's just easier than reaching out and making new friends. I'm impatient. I say words I shouldn't. I'm proud. I'm stubborn. I'm insecure. There are days when I don't have the strength to pray because it's just too much for me to handle. I get angry with the Lord for not blessing Chad and me with the most sincere requests rather than trusting Him and his plan for us.

As I look back on that lengthy list, I'm certainly humbled. It's difficult too see that, yeah, I'm about as far from perfect as a person could be. But as overwhelming as it is, I know I have my good qualities too. I know I'll be a good mom, whenever that day comes. I'll shower my children with more love than they could possibly imagine. I'll teach them to put their trust in the Lord. I'll teach them that everything works out, even if it's not the way we originally planned; to take that leap of faith and trust that whatever the outcome may be, it'll be okay because the Lord knows what's best for us. I'll teach them to not compare themselves to others, but be happy with who they are and what they've been given. In order for me to be able to teach my children these fundamental qualities, I need to practice and believe them with all that I have.

Because the only person in control of my happiness is me.

Inspiration

"what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
-ralph waldo emerson

"we can grow in faith only if we are willing to wait patiently for God's purposes and patterns to unfold in our lives, on His timetable."

robert c. oaks