Today I've read multiple blogs about people admitting the truth. Admitting they're not perfect. Striving to do better. Filling people in on "what you don't see". As I read these words that were once so deeply hidden in peoples hearts, I can't help but think I should be doing the same thing. Not because I want you all to see I'm not perfect (I'm pretty sure I've already made that pretty clear), but because writing is a release for me. It's something I enjoy. Although blogging is a public "journal" of sorts, it's my journal. It's my outward expression of my darkest inner thoughts and while going through difficult times, I need that release. Although I wouldn't wish these inadequate feelings on anyone, it's nice to know there are others out there who feel the same way I do.
I'm so grateful to know I'm not the only one out there who feels like I'm not perfect. I'm not as spiritual as I'd like to be. I don't read my scriptures every day. I watch TV shows that are far from uplifting. I'm pessimistic. I close myself off from Chad when I'm upset. I'm a terrible example. I don't go to all three hours of church because Relief Society is too hard for me. I'm selfish. I come across as a brat, mostly because it's just easier than reaching out and making new friends. I'm impatient. I say words I shouldn't. I'm proud. I'm stubborn. I'm insecure. There are days when I don't have the strength to pray because it's just too much for me to handle. I get angry with the Lord for not blessing Chad and me with the most sincere requests rather than trusting Him and his plan for us.
As I look back on that lengthy list, I'm certainly humbled. It's difficult too see that, yeah, I'm about as far from perfect as a person could be. But as overwhelming as it is, I know I have my good qualities too. I know I'll be a good mom, whenever that day comes. I'll shower my children with more love than they could possibly imagine. I'll teach them to put their trust in the Lord. I'll teach them that everything works out, even if it's not the way we originally planned; to take that leap of faith and trust that whatever the outcome may be, it'll be okay because the Lord knows what's best for us. I'll teach them to not compare themselves to others, but be happy with who they are and what they've been given. In order for me to be able to teach my children these fundamental qualities, I need to practice and believe them with all that I have.
Because the only person in control of my happiness is me.
